I'm John Kuypers and this is my wife Joanne.  She and I had a problem. 

Believe it or not, we disagreed about a lot of things.  For many years, no less.  Perhaps we're just slow learners.  We had long, intense conversations but often, we just couldn't see eye to eye on core issues.  Issues got stuck and we felt unhappy about them and with each other.  We didn't realize that every couple faces what we faced.

By faith, persistence and leaning on specific teachings of Jesus, we found a way to resolve issues, communicate better and feel more love, joy and laughter.

We did it by solving every couple's dilemma. You cannot be both truthful and protective at the same time.  If one partner is truthful about how they feel, the other's feelings often get hurt.  If you protect your partner's feelings (and our own) by not being truthful, then resentments build and issues never get resolved.  It's a dilemma that every couple faces.

Respectful Marriage is a service for couples who are ready to face every couple's dilemma.  Download this 3 page article about Every Couple's Dilemma.

A dilemma is where you can't win without losing.  If he gets his way, she doesn't.  If she wins, he loses.  And you know that if one partner loses, eventually both partners lose!  That's how you get stuck as a couple.  Stuck in conflicts.  Stuck in avoidance. Stuck in not feeling loved, understood or respected. The joy and the laughter drain away and marriage is suddenly not fun at all.

Think about it.  If one wants to spend and the other wants to save, can both win?  If one wants kids and the other does not, can both win?  If one wants to travel and the other likes to stay at home, who wins?  If one likes a clean house and the other doesn't mind a mess, how does that work?  If one wants a busy, demanding career and the other wants a close-knit family, it's tough to do.  Every couple has dilemmas and many times, it can't go both ways.

Early in my marriage, my wife wanted me to build a wall for my office so that my desk wouldn't be open to our living room.  I didn't like the idea.  She really, really wanted me to do it.  A great power struggle ensued over about a two year period.  When she actually left our marriage, I decided to give in.  Not just on that issue, but on a number of issues.  A year later, she gave in on a number of issues I had.  It was a long year but it was worth it.  Even so, we still didn't really get it.  We continued to have struggles over various issues until we learned how to solve every couple's dilemma.

One really big dilemma is about whether to be fully honest. If you do tell your partner the truth about how you feel, he or she will get upset.  If you don't tell the truth, you yourself are likely to feel resentful and unhappy. This is one of the biggest dilemmas for every couple - to fake it in order to avoid conflict OR to speak up and have conflicts.

I'm a Christian.  I follow Jesus and I want my marriage to last my whole life.  I've written tthree books on relationships.  I'm a business leadership coach and consultant.  This stuff deeply interests me at every level of my life.  Besides business people, I also coach a limited number of couples to help them solve every couple's dilemma by committing to having a truthful marriage, not a protective marriage.  Truthful, but not intentionally hurtful.

I'm not a therapist.  My leadership work in business involves power and authority.  Who gets to decide, basically.  In business, it's called "leadership."  At home, it's more like a "power struggle."  In business, there is a higher authority - the boss!  The only higher authority at home is God, and He can seem rather distant when you and your spouse are not seeing eye to eye.

Over time, I realized that who has the "right to decide" was the core reason for the conflicts in my home. All the issues in my marriage and in your marriage boil down to that one simple question.  Where to live, what to buy, when to make love, how to deal with the kids, where to live, what to fix up, clean up and cook up!  Endless decisions that cause conflicts and unhappiness.  Now I run a limited number of events for couples so they can learn this.

St. Paul said, "...those who marry will face many troubles in this life..." (1Cor 7:28).  Don't I know it!  I know marriage and I also know divorce.  My first wife and I went to court eight times and spent $150,000 along the way.  Today, we get along with each other very well with each other. This is because she and I agreed on who has the "right to decide" on core issues like co-parenting.

In my second marriage, however, Joanne and I have had many tough issues that naturally come with a second marriage - ex-spouses, stepchildren, financial difficulties. We're not even on the same page spiritually.  I'm the one who follows Jesus as my Lord and Savior. I thank Jesus everyday because He first loved me.  Through him, I crossed the Jordan with my wife to find a way to resolve tough dilemmas, save our marriage and most importantly, feel loved and respected.

I can't say enough about feeling RESPECTED.  The problem when you don't resolve your dilemma's is that a judgmental cycle begins.  Jesus warns of this in Matthew 7:1-5.  Jesus said, "Do not judge or you will be judged..."  It's a boomerang!  We judge our partner when we feel upset.  This vicious cycle soon feels like your former lover is now your enemy!  Mutual respect is the first thing to drain away in your marriage. Then the anti-communication virus DDD sets in - Deny, Defend, Deflect.  Communication becomes nearly impossible.

God opened our eyes to a clear understanding of every couple's eilemma and how to solve the DDD virus.  His wisdom turned our marriage from choppy waters to smooth sailing.   Jesus told us in Mt 7:5, "First take the plank out of your own eye and then you will see to remove the speck from your brother's eye."  By communicate better, you stop judging. When you stop judging your partner (criticizing, complaining etc), you both feel heard and understood.  Issues get settled not because someone is more right but because you agree on who gets the "right to decide!"

Deciding who gets to decide is how we got unstuck.  I took a leadership model I use in business and the Lord opened my eyes to see how it could help me at home.  I call it Who's The Driver^TM. It's a two question communication program that really works.  It's simple yet it requires thought and effort and prayer.  It works if you are willing to lean on your faith and make an on-going effort.  Faith is necessary because solving dilemmas requires you to dig deep inside spiritually and emotionally.  When you do, you both win.  Two winners and no losers makes for a happy marriage that feels good.

I started using Who's The Driver^TM by myself at first.  Surprisingly, it worked even without my wife's participation.  Later, she also started to use it.  It takes longer that way but that's okay, someone has to take the lead and Paul said it should be the man (Eph 5:25).  Marriage is for life and a solution that works later rather than sooner, is better than one that never works at all.  Failing to solve every couple's dilemma feels miserable, which inevitably leads to divorce, no matter how committed you are to your marriage.  Remember, it takes two people to make a marriage but only one to make a divorce.

Who's The Driver^TM is a continuous learning program for resolving issues.  Decision-making isn't black and white.  It has shades of grey.  Each of the seven shades has one partner with more decision-making power than the other.  That is fundamental to building a truthful marriage. But the share of power varies.  When you agree on the proportion of power you have with your spouse on a given issue, and who is the real driver, you solve that issue and you get happier.  Issue by issue, week by week, month by month and year by year. 

All couples face this dilemma of being truthful vs protective - 35 years married, 5 year newlyweds, remarried couples and 20 year first-time marriages that are knee-deep in kids, careers and finances.  Statistics show that nearly half of all couples give up and get a divorce, even among very committed Christians.  That's a fact!  The pain of divorce is very high.  However, living in an empty marriage where you don't feel loved is also very painful. 

One couple with kids who experienced the introductory Who's The Driver^TM workshop wrote:

"John, thank you for the workshop. We have been using many of your examples as we begin to engage (or) when we are in the middle of arguments or as I like to call them "intense" conversations. Your strategies have helped us regroup and regain ourselves." 

Who's The Driver^TM helps you truly change how you communicate with each other to resolve dilemmas and get unstuck!  Instead of hurtful accusations, you learn to see the speck (the core dilemma) and solve it calmly and positively.  Over time, this becomes a new and trusted way for you and spouse to resolve dilemmas and feel loved.

Who's The Driver^TM explains why couples get stuck in a protective rut and what you can do.  It works right away on the very first issue you focus on and it keeps working issue after issue.  If you and your spouse really commit to building a better marriage, you can take the long-term weekly communication and problem-solving on-line meetings at Who's The Driver?^tm.

It's an exciting feeling.  Your confidence, trust and openness starts to rise.   Instead of being wary about touchy issues, you start communicating easily and effortlessly.  You start feeling loved. 

Committing to building a Respectful Marriage is how couples of faith build a warm, spiritually- centered marriage. You only have one life to live and you live it intimately and spiritually with only one person - the partner you married for life - not a fantasy perfect spouse in a dreamland that doesn't exist.